~* 7:35pm Friday nite...

Still in my freezer like office. Freakin cold here. Lights on my side of the office are out. Good thing there are still a few blessed, hardworking souls around to keep me company. To be honest, it's kinda nice. All serene, with my fave tunes blasting into my lil head. Nice. The bliss of having not much life, and having a beau who lives an hour's flight away. he wanted to fly back to be with me for the weekend, but i told him I am busy. Yeah, I am weird like that. Any girls would be thrilled... well, it feels nice to have someone doing things like that for you. But, circumstantial. It's always circumstantial. I don't feel the need to see him all the time. I like saying I have no life, but, I am pretty much always preoccupied with something or another. I guess in a big way, it's a good thing. A girl's got to always know how to be with and by herself, relying on no one but herself to be happy. Probably has something to do with being a Cancerian too, I guess. Sometimes I wish I am not that darn independent, that darn strong... sometimes. But then rational kicks in. I would have faltered in life (not that I haven't been there...) if I am not like that. Yes, yes, I am happy to have someone's adoration, affection... love, perhaps? But like so many other things in life, nothing is certain. Good things almost always doesn't last. And when that happens, as the cliche goes, you'll only have yourself.
Yes, yes...it's one of those melancholic nites. I ain't frowning though. On the contrary, I feel contented. At this very moment, I don't think I need anything more....at this very moment. Maybe later. Maybe when I step out of this freezer place. Maybe then the loneliness will start. But then again, even then, I know I'll stil have me.

~*I know I am so into him when I start neglecting the others' emails...attention...and there's only him running through my brain in my every waking second... Muaks...yes babe, I think I am falling for you too.

~*true lust and then a bit...

A month ago, I said with conviction, I am not in love. A month later now, I am not so sure anymore. You know what they say about people in love are nicer. I think I am a statistic now. Blasting cheesy songs into my brains' a new ritual before going home after work now. How it all began? Booze. It's all the booze. Booze, moonlight and sea. All the elements to lure unsuspecting bozos into this sinister thing call love.

Ok, so what do you expect from a cynic in...or almost in love? Anyways, it wasn't love at first sight, for sure. Lust would be the correct emotion. Lust and impulse.
Funnily though, what was supposed to be a one night holiday romance...nah... lust,turned out to be just... a bit more than we both asked for, or even expected. Turned out that he could be someone that I could actually be with, despite the the minor setbacks like being 7 years older than him, or the fact that he might be just too rich for me. Pretty much most of my reservations towards him, all reasonings I gave myself to not give in, dissipated along the course of this month. So I thought it's just right that I actually write about it. This drastic change in my emo state.

I have to say that in the midst of my sucky existence, his adorations gave me something to smile about. I think I'm now free falling into him, and I can't deny that it's a pretty good place to be...all calming, soothing, always reassuring and warm. I could get use to this, so someone please stop me ...

OK ok. Those were pretty diabetic stuff, but hey, a woman's a woman. I have my sickly sweet (read - makes u wanna puke) moments too.

~*I am not in love....

Thank god.

~*la bellissimo...

So, this is my second post within an hour. Making up for time lost? Maybe. Clearing my head while spilling my bottled up emotions while the music's blasting all my thoughts clean from my brains - ala adversion theraphy? Most definately.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, and again, and again. The best, the most faithful, the most trustworthy thing in the world is Music. Whatever crap I am feeling, whatever day I've had, whatever situation I'm in, it can all be soothed with good music. It never lets me down, never. Men does, all the time, never fail, but Music - Never.

So, I think i've officially joined the Weirdo Online Anonymous club - with my irreverent ramblings. Good. The thing is, I am expected to be all popular, eloquent, funny, a good conversationalist and all that, in my daily life, but inside of me, I know I am far from that. I am moody. I have horrible mood swings. I can be the happiest looking person one minute and the most downcast the next. Here, only on this blessed lil site, I can be as weird, as whacked as I choose to be. This won't get me any friends, I am sure. Couldn't care less actually.

Anyways, I am turning a year older real soon. Don't know if that has a hand in the mood I am in right now. Sigh... a year older. The questions, when am i getting hitched, has become more rampant by the day. Really don't know what's this obssession people has with getting everyone hitched. Yea, I know you guys are happily hitched and all. Good for you. Don't get me wrong, I am not againts getting hitched or anything. I just haven't met someone i Know that i want to spend my life with. Yea, lotsa comments came to me saying I shouldnt be so picky. I am like, we're talking about someone who's going to stick their lil ..ok huge, thingy into me for the rest of my mortal life, and I shouldn't be picky about that??? Wow, thanks for caring so much about me. I do want to get hitched, I do feel like I am ready to settle down. And yes, age is catching up. But what can I do? Be more "forceful" and active in my search?? Yea right. I would rather bust my ass working than that. It IS more rewarding, you know. Ok, I am not really sure where this piece is going anymore...the music must be working. Depression level must have dipped.
Anyways, since I am on that topic, let me just say that eventhough I am not sure what I really want or look for in a guy. I definately know what I don't want. People often say there's no such thing as The one. But I think I would be able to tell when i meet him... if I meet him.

~*Go for goal Italia!!!! ...i'll holler...

~*happy sunday?

So I am back, sort of. Been missing the last couple of months, mainly cos work's taking up most of my time, Which is really good in a way. Well, i bitch n whine about work, like putting in more than 60 hours a week and all, but when I have a weekend home alone, i'll be depressed by Sunday evening. Thus, here I am, back to my whining board.
This, i can say is pretty much a cheap sanctuary for my fertile mind. Better than any other temporary highs i guess.

So, one of my ex is seeing a shrink for the first time, after he was rejected by this girl he really "adore". Bah. I say, serves him right. Now don't get me wrong, i love that boy, as in i love u mate, not shag me now kind of love of course. Made me sick after listening to some details, i didn't need to know on one of his drunken stupor with some couples. And don't ever forget, there's much truth in hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I am supportive, held his hands, through all this, well, in virtual sense, since he's thousands of miles awayBut, the more he talks about how she just wanna be friends, how he pines for her, my wicked lil heart just leaps and leaps and leaps. You got what you gave, sucker. Yea, I m now such a close, close friend whom you can share all your deepest, darkest secrets with, but never forget i am a woman, i use to be in your situation... difference was, you were the one who wanted to be friends. And for that, i actually thank you. God forbid, i end up with a freak like you for the rest of my life. Yea yea, if anyone reading this, you guys will go, oh she's still so into him...well, hold your horses, peeps. I've heard some bad shit from this dude's mouth just last week while being his Aunt Agony, so stop your conclusions ok. Anyways, I haven't heard how his shrink session went yet. But i m sure it would be a laugh, anyhow. And yes, at his expense, behind my symphathetic front, of course. Like i said, what do ya expect? Serves ya right. Nuff said.